Some days are harder than others to appreciate the abundance in my life and today is one of those days. I can look in many directions and see an overflow of blessings but like a hound on the scent of a rabbit, today I can only see one thing.
I thought I had my seizures under control with medication which is a big step in the right direction. The damage caused may never be repaired but no more seizures may mean no further damage to my memory function. Unfortunately, the last few days have brought with them several episodes and I feel sad, and angry, and scared.
- Sad – I have 4 (+2) kids and I want to remember all the wonderful moments I have with them.
- Angry – what the fuck did I do to deserve this shit?
- Scared – every seizure damages my brain a little more and I have little enough memory as it is
Please don’t misunderstand why I am sharing this; I do not seek pity. I share because each one of us has burdens to bear and most of the time we do a really good job of navigating our way through the challenges to find the abundance. But the reality is, that sometimes life sucks and perhaps there is nothing wrong with admitting the sadness, the anger, the fear.
I am grateful I have found a supportive and kind neurology medical team (after 20 years of looking); I am grateful that most days my life is not too severely compromised by my epilepsy; I am grateful that I have enough space in my life to nurture my body.
And for today, I am grateful to be able to cry and feel sorry for myself because I know tomorrow will be another day.