Maybe I’m weird and I pay too much attention to what is going on in my head/my heart/my world but I can admit that not a day goes by when I don’t berate myself for some screw up or wish I had done something better/differently etc…
I have noticed this 3 times in the past few days and I’m not sure why I am taken aback; perhaps I had some naïve notion that if I moved out of my normal world, I would suddenly transform to a new person who could love themselves, faults and all (and behave that way). Sad to say, 7000 miles later, I have not managed to outrun my own failings (or notions of perfection).
We were having a short hike in the Redwoods and we met a family with a 2 year old who was dilly-dallying and was in no hurry to finish the half-mile loop. After the mother said something about going slowly, I commented “It’ll get better” and could hardly believe my words. It won’t get better, nor will it get worse; it will simply get different. I have (mostly) enjoyed every age and stage of our 4 kids and I never want to spread a message that any age is one to be endured. I was offered another opportunity this morning and took it with both hands. (Thank you!)
I met a fellow Irish traveler in a campground and found myself yabbing on and on, hoping for some connection, based solely on the fact that we carry the same passport. This is an old pattern of mine; hoping to be seen/heard/acknowledged. Apparently I still have some work to do.
The third moment happened with a young woman who was new to yoga; she was self conscious about practicing in front of more experienced people and shared this with me. Instead of being kind and hearing her pain, I opened my mouth wide enough for both feet and jumped right in. No need to go into details but I want to respond differently next time I have the chance.
Lest you think I am very hard on myself, rest assured, I am not losing sleep over these moments. I share simply to share; to help me grow and become the kind of person I aspire to be. Every day, I wake up and am thrilled (and sometimes surprised) to know I have another day on this journey and I see every day as a gift to move closer to my own expression of the Divine; when I seek ways to grow and improve, I am saying thank you for this amazing life.